This is not a substitute for medical or relationship advice. Each relationship and person is unique.
Build a Solid Foundation with Active Listening and Yogic Intimacy
Relationships can be complicated at times, but they are also a beautiful and integral part of your life. When you are happy with your intimate relationships, it allows for a greater evolution of health and happiness in all aspects of life. It is clear that we thrive when our relationships are in balance and feeling connected. All people want to be seen and heard, especially by the ones close in their life. Life can get busy and when feelings or situations go unprocessed, they have the tendency to build up creating distance or resentments within the relationship.
The more time that passes, it can be felt by the people involved, bubbling under the surface causing discordant energy and causing life feel less fluid and more stuck.
The goal is to have you express the truth of your heart, while modulating your expression to suit your partners nervous system to build deeper trust and connection. You grow up to accumulate habitual patterns, programming and trauma that imprint the body-mind causing you to think certain thoughts, react a certain way and hold that expression within the shape of your body.
So there may be times that your expression could be a projection of that wound instead of a present moment core truth.
This form of self-study and relationship study will be your greatest spiritual practice. Allowing your closest relationships to become your Sadhana (practice), the devotee of love that you are.
Inviting in curiousity and compassion for all involved, knowing that you are all human and its inevitable to fuck things up from time to time.
We are learning, growing and evolving. Its happening.
This is why we call this a practice.
Plus we have gotten to a place in evolution where we are wanting a different kind of connection, a deeper kind of love--one that we can't explain, but have felt parts of it once before.
Doing this kind of emotional, body and thought rewiring has the ability to heal you and your relationships at the highest level
Practice closing the gap between what you are feeling vs what you are projecting outwards.
This is where the truth pieces comes in... Are you being truthful with how you are feeling to them or yourself? Are you avoiding feeling that feeling?
People can feel and sense your energy before anything else. This is where we can build deeper intimacy and trust within the relationship...By healing the energy within ourselves first.
Sometimes trust is broken and this is where the real work begins to rebuild trust and connection in the relationship. It can be done if you are open and willing to do the work.
This is where therapy can be useful to help dissolve these childhood wounds, broken trust or trauma. For some people therapy is the best place to start before expressing the depths of your pain to the people close to you. Use your discernment and connect with a health professional to discuss your options.
However, I firmly believe that you can begin today with daily practice by incorporating more breath, presence and love into your intimate partnerships.
If you would like to explore healing on an energetic and somatic level by incorporating daily yogic practices, working with a mentor is a highly beneficial and invaluable asset.
Therapy Approach: 5-20 years to excavate the emotion or memory using tools to help you feel it and heal it.
Yogic Approach: Opening the body while the knot is unkinking while being seen and loved to rewire the nervous system instantly.
"Our belief system will dictate the expression of our emotions; sometimes it is not healthy to engage in that with others. Find a safe container to go all the way" - John Wineland Modulating expression means becoming aware and learning how much your partner can take while adjusting your expression to have them feel safe in your presence. It is healthy to express our true emotions, however we get to take into account he other person and state of their nervous system before giving them our FULL expression of anger, joy, bliss, sadness, etc.
Start by giving 20%, check their reaction to see if they are still with you. If your partner has gone into a fight, flight or freeze state then refocus your awareness on your breath, find your ground (grounding practices) and take things down a notch until they are able to connect with you again. If someones nervous system becomes activated during conversation, it will become more difficult for them to hear you.
Modulating expression is an important skill to learn while communicating; observing how your partner or the room and how they are responding to your expression. The more you heal, the more of your true expression will become open and trusting to allow whatever to arise, come through. It will also become easier to express love and open your heart with people. Which will bring you more into the present moment to allow loves light to flourish between you.
This is what we all truly want. To open freely with another human. A great practice to have or begin with is to allow yourself to feel the fullness of your expression in a safe container with people who are trained and able to hold this energy such as;
With a trained therapist, coach or counsellor
A women's group or men's group
With a trusted friend
Alone in your car, in nature or at home
A teacher or mentor
Unravelling the memory, the circular thoughts and the story you experience on repeat is an important step in building deeper intimacy with a person.
If there's an issue when its getting in the way of connecting with the people you love start by healing your emotional state and working on the nervous system, it has the ability to heal physical, mental and relationship problems.
How to Feel & Express Emotion
This is where the old saying...get out of your head and into the body comes in to play.
Your thoughts are just that...thoughts.
Override them with movement or breath. This is a great practice to do on your own before talking to your partner to allow the programming or trauma to move through you prior to communicating.
How does the emotion want to express through your body?
Dance
Yoga
Somatic Shaking
Tapping
Screaming
Walking
Crying
Punching a pillow or punching bag
breathwork
Making sound
Allow your body to FEEL the texture of the emotion.
"Feelings are truth; thoughts and habitual responses are programming" - John Wineland
Creating a solid foundation of intimacy, trust and love in relationships first begins with the intimate relationship you have with yourself, your emotions and thoughts.
What am I feeling?
Where do I feel it?
Are there any common thought forms that coincide this emotion?
Where can I make changes in my life?
How can I deepen my breath or invite in an action to help this emotion move through me?
The yogic approach to communication is two fold; one part listening and one part speaking.
We can look at these parts as:
Masculine (listening, consciousness, awareness)
&
Feminine (expressive, speaking, emoting).
The Communication Practice
Make an agreement that one person will talk first while the other listens. Set a timer for the agreed upon time (2-5 minutes). There is a rule that the person talking gets the whole time, even if they feel a need to pause. The listener practices breathing and grounding, maintaining eye contact. This is the masculine pole to take in the conversation. To become pure consciousness, awareness-clarifying everything the other person is stating with their depth of connection.
Thank the person for listening, Thank the person for sharing. Reset timer and switch.
You can continue this practice until you feel complete. One person holding the feminine pole of expression, the other holding the ground of the masculine pole.
Stay present listening while the other person speaks. Stay focused on that they are saying, not what you are going to say next. Practice staying open through the body by softening the belly, chest, and throat. Breathing deeply.
Communication and intimacy is something we can always work on to create more love in our lives, cherishing the sacred moments with our loved ones.
All For Love Workshop
If you want to learn more, join us for an interactive, virtual workshop on deepening intimacy, love and trust and relationships through the energetic, spiritual and yogic lens.
For the practitioner that wants to go on a private and personalized journey, the 1:1 mentorship is perfect for this type of growth. Read more here.
Lets create more love on the planet!
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Written by: Jackie Davies
Jackie is a Singer-songwriter, holistic healer & embodiment coach. She has studied palliative Nursing, Yogic & Spiritual Intimacy, Masculine & Feminine Energetics, Somatic Healing, Meditation Teacher. She loves to read, be in nature, play music, and go on road trips. She lives in Ontario, Canada with her long time partner of 15 years and yellow labrador. Jackie is devoted to creating more love, art and healing on the planet. Links below to follow her on instragram and join the mailing list to stay connected.